alive for the first time
by silver moon droplet
Summary: kaixel: usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "i'm okay," we say. "i'm alright." but sometimes the truth arrives on you, and you can't get it off. that's when you realize that sometimes it isn't an answer - it's a question.


alive for the first time.

a/n: it's a three act production, the first would be the preface; this little beauty. inspired by a number of kaixels i've been reading and one done by cherryflavouredchalk. i am the messenger by mark zusak who is god. and danger radio, because danger radio is epic. so i present to you what i'll do when i have writer's block...which means this will get worked on a lot. again, three parts. (not including the preface) I SO STOLE IT FROM AND I DON'T CARE. I own nothing.

x preface

I had few loves – so few I could count them on my fingers. I could recite them in my sleep: fire, sex, beer, cigarettes, and my best friend. These were the things that could wake me up in the morning. The things I would stay out late for. But I needed money to get these things, so I worked. Not because I liked to – I had better things to do than drive a damn cab around Twilight Town, the place I was born and raised. I wasn't going anywhere at twenty-four – I was going to spend the rest of my shitty existence here. And I could accept that. I was okay with that. In my twenty-four years of just being, I hadn't achieved anything, and that didn't bother me. Everyone in my town knew my name – Axel Chalmers, sex god. Girls wanted me. Guys wanted to be me. That was enough.

And then you came along, with your violet eyes and your auburn hair, and suddenly nothing was good enough.

You were a princess, and you wouldn't settle for anything less than a prince. Lying just wouldn't cut it for you. Acting was a waste of time. And if they weren't going to be your prince charming, you didn't think they should even try. You were the type of girl I hated. The one that couldn't get enough of me in high school but wouldn't look me in the eyes afterward. You thought you were better than I was. I couldn't stand that. So I started to plan your demise. And I'll admit, it went too far. I was reckless.

I fell in love.

I never believed in love, not for a second. I grew up hating the world, and I had my vices. I had Roxas. I just slapped the word on and called it love. The girls whispered that I didn't have a heart – just a black organ that pumped blood – and I liked that idea. I stuck to it. People died of broken hearts. They had heart attacks. And it was the heart that hurt the most when things went wrong and fell apart. Not having a heart made me immortal. I was the Tin Man. Clever women, if given the chance, gave me lots of names like that – but nothing ever stopped them from coming home with me.

All those girls, yet I can't remember a single name. Yours comes to mind, though. Quite clearly. Kairi DiCasco. Seventeen. Beautiful but deadly. Clever, but stupid. High maintenance, but on the shittiest side of town. You were a walking talking contradiction. I think that was what I liked the most about you. You were no better than I was, but you _thought_ you were. I fucking hated that. I at least knew when I was being a prick. I could admit that much. But you couldn't. That was beneath you. And I want you to know – I did all this because I'm an asshole. I wanted to hurt you, and I knew how to do it – all of us douchebombs know how. It's part of our secret code. It's a three-step plan we make for people like you. We make sure we know how to take your kind down, before you can break us and take us apart.

"So sit down, Princess." I couldn't help but grin. I was so stupid. How could I do this to you? "And let me tell you a story." It wasn't a happy story, but I didn't tell you that. I didn't tell you much of anything. I just kissed you, our lips smashing together, and damn it, I just can't get e-fucking-nough. But I pulled back. I shook my head and sighed, clasped my hands together, looked at you in your miniskirt and your tank top. You were all dolled-up. I didn't know why, and I never found out…but it annoyed me. But I shook it out of my system.

Lighting a cigarette, I started to talk. You had the time. All you could do was listen, smiling that stupid smile of yours. I poured you a glass of wine, and hell, I chugged some out of the bottle. It was sour and wrong – all wrong – but I took another swig all the same. It went well with the burning in my heart, as I took another drag of my almost-gone-cigarette.

"Sorry, doll." I could tell you were getting impatient. "Where was I?" You didn't answer me, and I didn't blame you, after everything I did to you. I thought for a moment, back on everything, and then it popped into my head. The start. It always started with a once-upon-a-time. That was what all those stupid little runts with their snot noses and their whiny voices wanted to hear.

"Once upon a time, there was princess." You weren't amused with this. You were never fond of the nicknames I gave you. But I knew, somewhere, you loved this part. Just knew. "She's a doll you know. Everyone in the kingdom loved her." I paused for effect. I was only entertaining myself, and I took another swig of the wine. I wanted to drown myself in it. "All but one dumbfuck human, who thought he could make a difference in the world." Boy, was he ever wrong.

I took one more look at you, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't even start the goddamn story. The wine was starting to kick into my system, but you don't notice. You never noticed. I was the same drunk as I was sober to you. I fucking hated that. I hated you. I loved you. Damn it, why'd you have to come to Twilight Town, you stupid bitch?

You had a life. You didn't belong in this shithole. You didn't deserve to go this way, at the hands of a fucking nobody. A washed-up fuck-up. Isn't that what you called me? I destroyed you. Tore you apart. He warned you, didn't he? You thought he was just messing around, because he was my best friend. He knew the best, though. He knew how I broke hearts. But I don't think he could have seen this coming.

I sure as hell didn't.


End file.
